Poking Fun at Twilight

One of my friends let me borrow a book about Vampires that was written back when vampires were cool (before Twilight). Whilst reading, I decided that I should write a story about a traditional vampire who reads Twilight. This is the result:

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At first, the differences were awesome. After that book came out, Gary could just tell them he was a vampire, and they would practically beg him to suck their blood. Before it would take a lot of subtlety and lots of time, keeping his vampirism a secret until the last, their last, minute. Now he could just show them that his fangs weren’t fake and that was that. Life had significantly improved in his opinion, though he wasn’t sure why. Then one of his victims asked him to step into the sun so she could see him sparkle. She was devastated to find that real vampires don’t sparkle. She almost didn’t let him bite her, almost.

It really shouldn’t have bothered Gary, that some girl seemed to think that Vampires sparkle, but it did. There was nothing in any mythos that he could remember that even remotely suggested sparkling. It didn’t take long to find out where the idea had originated. That book. Gary had wanted to vomit upon reading it, all the horrible things it made vampires out to be. He could handle certain things about it, but sparkling in sunlight?

It became no fun after that. He would only go after someone when he was really, really thirsty. It was almost unbearable when they got sooooo excited about him being a vampire, asking him to stand in the sun and if he was a vegetarian vampire like the ones in the book. It did give him some satisfaction when he said no, and to see fear flash across their eyes, but it didn’t last long and they quickly started asking questions again, probably thinking that they would get more time to ask after he had so graciously turned them. He never expressly told them that he was going to turn them; they just assumed that that was his intention, since vampires were such loving and understanding creatures with hearts and eyes of gold.

This was the second time that a mere book had changed everything for vampires. The first was of course Dracula. How Bram Stoker ever found out so many of their secrets was any vampires guess, but it made the job a lot harder. Suddenly everyone noticed that you never went out at night, or that you were “allergic” to garlic. It took a while before the repercussions of that book died down, and then this one happened. Now vampires sparkle and drink animal blood because they didn’t want to hurt their human friends!

Gary found that the only way that it could be fun is if his victim hadn’t read, or hadn’t liked the book. That brought back the old challenge of it, that made it fun again, and he never had that dirty feeling afterwards. But girls who didn’t like the book were pretty rare, and Gary didn’t want to exhaust the supply, so he had to kill them sparingly, though he always took note once he found one of them. Unfortunately, Gary hadn’t found any in the area he was currently in, so he would have to make due with the usual.

~

I'm not sure if I'll ever seriously work on this, I just thought it was silly. I have two more characters in mind, a typical girl who read (and practically worships) Twilight, and a Vampire Hunter who's job got a lot more difficult since Twilight came out.